The Truth About Teleportation

The Truth About TELEPORTATION

THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE STORY

One crisp night, many years ago, my good friend Shannon and I discovered the truth behind teleportation. A feat we achieved without even realising it. A scientific problem being worked on by hundreds, solved by two regular guys. This is the tale of that night and what ensured.

What exactly is teleportation? Is it local? Is it something that can only happen in a short space? Is it wide? Can it be used across large distances? Is it possible to traverse interstellar or parallel planes?

Possibly.

Teleportation is described as "The transfer of matter from one point to another without traversing the physical space between them."

The dream is to one day be able to make human teleportation a reality. That is the goal. It is the cream dream of any nerdy sci-fi freak to be able to be sitting in their bedroom all alone, heavy curtains blocking any form of natural light, then all of a sudden be able to say "BEAM ME UP GREG!" (Greg being the said best friend of the nerdy sci-fi freak, who is practically indistinguishable from his friend in the eyes of the rest of the world, being that his love of STAR TREK and blemished pale complexion and thick rimmed glasses make them all look the same to the ignorance of those around them.) Greg pushes a button, and all of a sudden the previously mentioned nerdy sci-fi freak appears in Greg's "lair", to play a round of War of Worldcraft.

This would also require the use of some kind of two way radio communication. I guess that's the real problem.

Not to mention, War of Worldcraft is an online MMORPG that doesn't require, and actually is quite against, real life socialising. What a waste of technology.

There are three types of teleportation spoken of in the scientific community. Each working in a similar way, but to different effects. When I think of the fashionable types teleporting, I imagine being able to go directly from one place to another, instantaneously without effect on the user. I like to call this the PORTAL way.

Popularised by the video game franchise of the same name, it involves the placement of two "quantum space holes" typically within the same local area. An object or person that passes through one of the portals instantaneously comes out of the other placed portal. Below is a video to help you visualise.

The premise for this type of teleportation is quite attractive as it fits the nicely within the guidelines of what it should be. There is instantaneous travel with no loss of time. But really it's only good for video games. An ACME style portable hole is dangerous and can easily destroy the universe and all within it.

Picture this will you:

I'll type slow, just in case you have some trouble understanding this idea. I'll even give you some pictures to look at.

Okay. Now. Say I place the Blue portal on one wall and the orange portal on the adjacent facing wall.

The Nerd of the future

TELEPORTATION TYPES

Now let's say we put a steel rod through the blue portal and have it come out the orange portal.

Still with me? Good. If not you better leave now. This is basic quantum physics people. Okay. Here we go. prepare for this. What if someone were to weld together the two ends of the steel rod?

Have we just created an abomination of God? THIS SHOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE! It is a straight, ridged, endless object, kind of like an orgy, not knowing where one pointed rod going through a pulsating hole begins or where the other ends.

Forget the disturbing creation that shouldn't exist for just one moment, as there is a bigger issue at hand. Oh, yes. That's right. Like I said. End of the world shit.

End of EVERYTHING shit.

... Far out. Here's the head fuck. What if... We then placed the orange portal somewhere else. Somewhere that the ends of the steel rod would not have been able to reach each other to be welded together.

That's right. Something that was impossible was made possible thanks to a portal. But that now possible object has been made impossible again. The Physical attributes of the steel rod can not be changed. It would rip a hole in between the starting placement point and ending placement point of the orange portal. This is a rip of the very fabric of existence and it would start the chain reaction of the destruction of everything.

The second type of teleportation is a long range, multipoint gateway system that I like to call the STARGATE way.

You have seen this in the TV show Stargate. Well, I assume you have seen it. If not, here is a brief explanation of how it works. The premise is based on a STARGATE, a ring shaped device that creates a wormhole enabling personal transportation to complementary devices located cosmic distances away. So basically, it's a giant portal that can send you anywhere in the universe that has access to another Stargate.

The only problem with this technology is that it pretty much just a giant telephone. You need to dial-in a particular address to make sure you are going to the right place. Push a wrong button and instead of appearing at New Lantea, you end up in Orilla.

Not to mention, if someone decides to block up their end of the wormhole by covering up the Stargate, your screwed. You smack into the blockage and die.

Oh, hey... Let's go to earth! BAM!

The last teleportation method, also seen in popular culture is used in the TV series SLIDERS. I like to call it THE WORMHOLEY, PORTALY, SPACE JUMP THING FROM SLIDERS way.

The plot of the show is that one day John Rhys-Davies decides to make some toast. He accidentally invents a wormhole device and burns his toast. The ever ready Marty McFly to his Doc Brown, Quinn comes to help John Rhys-Davies to destroy the Earth. They turn on the wormhole device which sucks them up, along with an unsuspecting black man and possibly some chick and they are all teleported to an alternate dimension. A Parallel Earth. In their quest to kill each other they keep opening wormholes to other Earths.

As far as I care to remember, that was the basic plot. It was cool when I was a kid, but now it just seems forgettable.

The reason as to why this is a poor form of teleportation, is that you have absolutely no control on where you go. And why would you want to go to a parallel Earth? ANYTHING could be there. It could be a Hitler run world. It could be a dinosaur land. There could be Sparkling vampires ever where! That just wouldn't fly.

Look out Indy! It's a sparkling vampire!

Another Possibility

I came to thinking the other day, about technologies that we already have, that we take for granted. These are technologies that ARE teleportation or could aid in the advances of it. The digital age we live in is full of the stuff.

Wi-Fi. It is the ability to transfer data wirelessly from one device to another. Digital Radio and Digital Television also does this. We can take an image, break it down to a signal and send it from one place to another. We can take an audio track and convert it into a bunch of zeroes and ones and then burn divot holes into a piece of plastic. We can then use a laser to read these number divots which then re-assembles the music to an audible state.

Cave Johnson said it best:

"The point is, if we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one?"

Imagine, sometime in the not too distant future, you get a call on your iPhone 17. It's your good friend Samuel. He is all like "Hey brah! You gotta come over my place to play the new Call of Duty: Black Warfare 22!" So you're all like "I'm totally there!"

You push a button on your phone and suddenly your become digitised. You flow through the phone's microphone and travel instantaneously across the 10G Network and reanimate in good ole Sammy's house, ready to kill some people.

THE TRUE STORY PART

I Almost forgot about this part.

It was a crisp I'm-not-sure-what-season night, around 11pm. My good friend Shannon and I had been playing video games, watching movies and drinking. Most likely Bourbon. The type of alcohol is irrelevant. What is important, is that we were in an inebriated state.

It had gotten to the stage where one of us suggested, "HEY! Let's get some pizza!"

There was a local Pizza place down the road. This is the usual route someone would take.

Yep, about 350 meters.

We walked out the front door to go get us some pizza goodness. Next thing we know, we are climbing over a small fence to get to the pizzeria, making the actual distance we traveled, closer to 20 meters. No loss of time. No physical signs of travel.

We got our pizza and headed home. We scaled down the fence and started to walk. Suddenly we were back home again, just as before. We ate the pizza. It had olives on it. I don't like olives. I ate it anyway because I was drunk.

And that is the key. The toxic changes that the booze makes and the effects it has on you is what causes the teleportation. You're probably thinking, "THAT'S STUPID! YOU WERE JUST DRUNK!"

Shame on you.

In fact how dare you. How dare you doubt my honesty with you. Have you forgotten where you are?

Well that's okay. Apology accepted.

But I do see why you reacted in such a way, and I agree.

A certain amount of alcohol must be consumed. Not too much and not too little.

Most of us have been there. You had a big night out and have absolutely no idea how you got home. But if you consume too much, you just pass out, and that's why you don't remember.

What happens, is that when the sweet spot amount of alcohol has taken effect on your body, your consciousness is put on hold while you travel. At the same time, everything else around you slows down, almost to a complete stop. It's kinda like going to sleep in a Cryo Tube and waking up. You are unaware of any passage of time. But it's mixed in with a Matrix like bullet-time in which you are faster than everything else.

I guess this is not true teleportation, as the physical space between point A and point B is still traveled, but without loss of time and not being aware of the actual distance covered, it is still acceptable.