The Truth About Handsfree

The Truth About HANDSFREE

THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE STORY

12/07/2010 - Approx. 08:45am

After a few day of stormy weather, the skies decided to stay quite grey. The roads were wet and there was a slow fall of rain. Surprisingly, there had been no idiots on the road so far, and for a Monday morning, this is usually unheard of. I was commuting to work, but first had the task of dropping my lady wife at her place of employment.

This challenge went down without a hitch, as I had done it several times before. BUT! As I was leaving the parking lot and was driving into a roundabout, the fool who was meant to give way decided to keep going. He did not look to his right to see if I, or anyone else for that matter, was already in the roundabout. See the image below.

Expletives. The guy was a cock. But not for neglecting to look to his right. It was the thing that make him not look to his right. It was his "Hands Free" function on his mobile phone.

Because I do not know the man who was driving the "idiot" car's name, I shall call him Mr Cock.

I can imagine Mr Cock in the past, just talking away with his phone to his ear, driving along, not paying attention to a damn thing around him, happily numb to the people he is fucking off.

And you know what, that's okay. In the past there was no fine in place for using a mobile phone whilst driving.

But fast forward to today and Mr Cock is in a terrible situation.

You could hear Mr Cock's cries. Having been forsaken by his government and his people. Screwed over by the only one he ever loved.

But wait.

One day Mr Cock walked into a phone shop. He discovered a miraculous new feature in a brand new "classic" style phone, that he MUST HAVE!

BUILT IN HANDS FREE!

Well, how does one use such a feature in a brand new device? If it were I, I guess I would hit the answer button, with hands-free on automatically, and leave the phone in it's cradle, on the chair or where ever the hell it could be without me physically touching it to talk. (I still consider this quite a danger however.)

How does Mr Cock use a hands free? He holds the son of a bitch up to his face as if he was spastically trying to eat a sausage roll.

So Mr Cock had pulled out into the roundabout right in front of me. Naturally I slowed right down and beeped my horn at him. Mr Cock decided it would be a good idea to come to a complete stop. Oh, Mr Cock, how I hate you. I beeped my horn at him once more. Mr Cock started to drive again, the whole time not looking my way OR putting down his spastically help phone. Well, he drove for about 5 meters and stopped again!

Mr Cock, you asshole. Finally he decided to drive away, and I continued on my way to work. At first I was pissed. I was like DAMN YOU MR COCK! I HOPE MUTATED BABIES RAVAGE YOUR FACE! I got home that night and decided to do some research on how many people drive while on the phone, and how stupidly they hold it. But what I discovered was much more satisfying.

As you know, and if you didn't before, now you do, the use of mobile phones can cause cancer. Mobile phones are low powered radio devices that transmit and receive microwave radiation. The amount of radio wave energy that your body absorbs from a mobile phone can be measured. This is called Specific Absorption Rate (SAR).

The below images shows the SAR when a phone is used normally and when it is held like you are about to devour it.

As you can see, when held normally, a mobile phone's use puts out a small radius of SAR and is focused at the small area near the antenna.

As you can see, when a phone is being held in a stupid fashion the SAR radius is a hell of a lot larger and focuses on the face and groin, causing more aggressive cancers that are also larger and incurable.

This information is quite satisfying to me.

Feel free to leave comments below.

Oh and if you were the idiot who was on their phone at the roundabout of Eddystone Ave and Honeybush Dr at 8:45am on Monday 12th June 2010, I hope you die.